B

U.S. columnist

An ideal husband is one who treats his wife like a new car.

U.S. columnist

Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.

(August, 1975)

There's nothing like looking at vacation pictures to put guests in a traveling mood.

"Insect Aside", Dave Barry is NOT Making This Up, 1994

A snake should not be in your yard unless it has your written permission.

"Invasion of the Money Snatchers", Dave Barry Is NOT Making This Up, 1994

We must remember that for every instance of the government's demonstrating the intelligence of a yam, there is also an instance of the government's rising to the level of a far  […]

(1947--)

U.S. humorist

Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is.

Bad Habits, 1982

For the past eleven years, American students have scored lower on standardized tests than European students, Japanese students and certain species of elk.

Bad Habits, 1982

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. By this definition, the amoeba, the mango, the frog, the squirrel, the bear, the begonia, and many lawyers are forms of Life.

U.S. humorist

Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America.

U.S. humorist

Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.