B

U.S. humorist

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

U.S. humorist

I wept because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes.

U.S. humorist

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

U.S. humorist

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

U.S. humorist

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness.

U.S. humorist

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

U.S. humorist, in Bad Habits

The name "February" comes from the Latin word "Februarius," which means "fairly boring stretch of time during which one expects the professional ice-hockey season to come to an end but it does not."

Old wives don't die if they're getting alimony.

If you think education is expensive--try ignorance.

(1822—1890), Irish dramatist

I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.