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Children are a great comfort in your old age--and they help you reach it faster, too.

U.S. actress

The world will be a better place when the Found ads in the newspapers begin to outnumber the Lost ads.

U.S. writer

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.

The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.

U.S. TV critic and author, Newsday columnist

If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?

U.S. TV critic, Coward's Almanac

Your Zip Code contains a hidden meaning. You will probably never discover it.

One of the best-kept medical secrets of our day: Everything gives white mice cancer.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then it was too late.

U.S. humorist

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.