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(1742—1799), German writer, Aphorisms

Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinion at all.

(1742—1799), German writer

If all mankind were suddenly to practice honesty, many thousands of people would be sure to starve.

(1742—1799), German writer

What they call 'heart' is located far lower than the fourth waistcoat button.

If you don't think women are explosive, try dropping one.

(1819—1891), US poet

Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this--that you are dreadfully like other people.

(1950--)

US comedian & television host

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

(1950--)

U.S. comictalk show host

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

(1950--)

U.S. talk show host/comedian

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In  […]

(1950--) U.S. comic and talk show host

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

U.S. comediantalk show host, June 2004

Researchers in Germany have found a border collie named Rico that can understand more than 200 words. They also discovered a cat that can ignore over 1000 words.