M

I don't know what a scoundrel is like, but I know what a respectable man is like, and it's enough to make your flesh creep.

(1930--)

U.S. comedian

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Keep staring at the stars and someday they will collapse.

(1907—1997)

U.S. author

I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter.

(1970--)

U.S. comedianactor

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day.

(1917- ), Saturday Review, 1 February 1964

I have nothing against undertakers personally. It's just that I wouldn't want one to bury my sister.

(1953--)

U.S. actor

I only have two rules for my newly born daughter: she will dress well and never have sex.

The kilt is an unrivalled garment for fornication and diarrhoea.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

(1923--)

English dramatistauthor

When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory.