P

(1926—1999)

U.S. female impressionist

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.

Beat your child once a day. If you don't know why, the child does.

Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.

Medicine can only cure curable diseases, and then not always.

Never do anything standing that you can do sitting, or anything sitting that you can do lying down.

Of all the 36 alternatives, running away is best.

Of ten bald men, nine are deceitful and the tenth is stupid.

One dog barks at something; the rest bark at him.

(1893—1967)

U.S. author

Don't put all your eggs in one bastard.

(1893—1967)

U.S. author

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of their tires.